Kiska (ifritah) wrote,

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*Jaw drops... drops again... and yet AGAIN*

I grabbed out my sex books that I've accumulated over the years, in some cases dusted them off, and took a look at what I've got.

The Ultimate Sex Test by Smith And Doe was among them. I grabbed this a few years back for two reasons. A) curiosity B) It was on the cheap rack (which should have told me something right there).

I skimmed through it just now, and as I said in the subject line, I honestly couldn't keep my jaw from dropping every few seconds.

So, here's the basic idea of this book. It's for women about men. You take these tests to find out things about a woman's man, and there's a formula that you use to get your answer. Is your man cheating on you? Does he think your vagina smells funny? Does he really want a man's affections instead of yours? Etc. etc.

Now, though I'd love to quote a few of those, they're far too long for that. But inbetween sections, there's a quote these two guys made up as their 'gospel'. "Meditation for the Day" is what they dubbed them.

Shall I give you some examples? I thought you'd never ask.

"Any man who claims to be disgusted by prostitutes is a man who can lie to me with a straight face." (Or maybe he just doesn't want an STI. *Cough*)

"The primary reason (YOUR MAN'S NAME) occasionally restrains himself from cheating can be summed up in one word: FEAR." (... Did they just say 'occasionally restrains'?)

"If (YOUR MAN'S NAME) is masturbating more than twice a week, I'd better find out what I am not giving him sexually that he really wants." (Why masturbation is considered a bad thing in relationships is beyond me. To me, it gives me a break of having to constantly pounce on him if I'm in the middle of something else. When he's preoccupied, I have no problems taking care of my needs without him.)

"The second (YOUR MAN'S NAME) has his orgasm, where I am becomes the last place on earth he wants to be." (Ooooh, so that's why my man always grabs me by the hair and shoves me into my closet after sex. Damn, I was always wondering about that. *Rolls eyes*)

"If, without my asking, (YOUR MAN'S NAME) tells me about a sexual need, I will take it very seriously, for he will rarely tell me twice. If he doesn't get what he asks for from me, he will certainly get it elsewhere." (I believe there was an episode of Desperate Housewives about this. Yes, yes, I think we've gotten the point by now. All men are cheating bastards that just haven't been caught yet. Hire a PI and nail his ass for palimony. Got it.)

If anyone finds any of these quotes to be sound advice, please feel free to comment and explain why. (Though I'd like to note that just because I point and laugh at these, doesn't mean that I don't think there are men out there that do fit some of these. ... I feel very sorry for the women dating them, but I don't discount they do exist.)

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